Sick Humor: On the Set of Will Ryder’s ‘Love Emergency’

This article originally ran in the September issue of AVN magazine. Click here to see the digital edition. We're not sure if this counts as a "meet cute," but the first time nurse Riley Steele runs across her destined lover Tommy Pistol, it's as she's leaving the motel where she's staying until the cops can evict the squatters from the condo she just bought, and finds a dirty, bearded Tommy panhandling outside. Turns out, she's okay with giving him a buck—but not a dinner date. As the story unfolds, Tommy's a med school dropout who's living in his parents' basement and practicing to be a rock musician—but it's when he tries to pimp out his stepsister that he runs into legal trouble. The cops are all ready to throw his ass in jail, but when stepdad Brad Armstrong slips the detective a thousand bucks, Tommy gets immediate probation. There's just one catch, though: He's gotta get a job as a janitor at local Mercy West Hospital. But when Tommy shows up for his first day, turns out his buddy/bandmate Griff has hacked the hospital's computer and Tommy winds up being hired as an emergency room trauma surgeon—right where his dream girl Riley works! Riley Steele in Love Emergency (Adam & Eve Pictures) Tommy is interviewed by Human Relations Chief John Spankowski (James Bartholet), who's so impressed by Tommy's fake résumé (and the fact that his granddad donated a pediatric wing to the hospital) that he offers him 300 to start—$300,000, that is, and Tommy's flabbergasted ... but not so much that he doesn't accept on the spot. Seems that Tommy (as Dr. Vincent Ferrara) fits right in, because in-between the operations and medications, pretty much everyone on staff is getting it on with either the nurses or the patients, and there's more bare tit on display than you could shake a bedpan at, thanks to nurses Riley and Nia Nacci comparing theirs—tits, that is, not bedpans—and patient Misty Stone, who wakes up from a deep sleep just in time to grab some herself. So Tommy reports for his first day in the ER, and Riley immediately introduces herself, not recognizing that this is the bum who panhandled from her just a few days earlier. Tommy also meets Dr. Chad White, who "warns" him, "If you play your cards right, you can pretty much bang all these broads," gesturing at the crowd of RNs. But it's not all fun and games. When Tommy assists Dr. Max (Frank Bukkwyd) on an operation on car accident victim Edyn Blair, he pukes at the sight of all the blood, and later, when trying to help Misty with her "chocolate hostage" (constipation), he winds up with a faceful of shit. "Chocolate hostage, I found out through one of Will's medical pals, is a legitimate use of the term in the ER setting," Bukkwyd told AVN. "As for me, I like to learn my lines and then think medical thoughts. Every bit of inspiration comes from our man Will Ryder. I will soon be using the term '6-0 nylon'; how's that? That's cool technical stuff. Besides that, I get to name a bunch of organs in a row, so that's a challenge. Who needs technical school? Overrated!" But it's not all bad for Tommy, and in the sex scene AVN was on hand to witness, he helps horny patient Savannah Sixx relax by first getting her to suck his dick. He returns the oral favor by tongue-massaging her clit and slit, and before long, she's bending over for doggie, mounting him for reverse cowgirl, laying sideways for spoon—all of which she obviously and very vocally loves—and delivering a final b.j. (We should perhaps mention that much of the "hospital" action takes place on the top floor of a three-story Victorian mansion that Ryder's partner Scott David decked out with hospital beds, privacy curtains, lots of beeping medical equipment and tons of other details that create the look and feel of a real hospital.) But of course the real object of Tommy's affection is Riley, who's been dropping hints all along that she'd like him to ask her out, and finally, she complains to Nurse Lucky Starr, "Vincent hasn't hit on me yet and I've practically thrown myself at him. Maybe he's married," to which she retorts, "Or gay." But Riley's pretty sure he isn't—as if the audience doesn't already know that. But it's towards the end of the movie that the hilarity really begins. It begins when, instead of a sedative, Tommy prescribes 500 milligrams of amphetamine to a biker dude in the ER who's there after suffering from a massive electric shock, which sends the big guy into a rage, mainly aimed at Bartholet for having denied the biker's insurance claim. Bartholet also gets head-locked by stepdad Brad, and by movie's end, Bartholet's in a stiff neck collar and using a walker to get around—and apparently suffering from Tourette's Syndrome, blurting out "asshole," "shithead" and "pussy" while he's in conversation with Brad. We won't reveal the surprise ending, except to say that it has everyone running in terror—but hey, what's funnier than porn stars flailing their hands, shaking their tits and screaming? "Acting is something I really enjoy," Riley told AVN. "We used to do a lot of features for Digital Playground and so we used to do a lot of acting; we had scripts with all our dialog and everything, so in all of our movies, we really had characters to bring to life." Riley noted that she'd pretty much retired from acting for a couple of years, but is happy to be back at it. "I just got back to performing this year. I took some time off, and I've just really been enjoying my time back. I've been welcomed back very nicely and I'm having fun. Last time I was here, we did Skip Trace with Jesse and Kieran Lee, and that had a lot of dialog. It was so fun. So it's been really long since I've gotten to shoot a movie with real dialog. They don't shoot so many features anymore, so I'm really happy to be a part of one that's being made, and I've never worked for Adam & Eve before and obviously I've always wanted to shoot for them and know who they are, so I'm really excited to be  part of it." Savannah Sixx and Tommy Pistol Others in the cast include such award-winning performers as Sarah Vandella (as Tommy's mom), Kenzie Reeves (a nurse) and Sunny Lane (as a patient), plus a "special guest appearance" by Vivid Radio host and long-retired actress Christy Canyon, who gets into a "music war" with Misty Stone over whether country music (Christy's fave) is better or Misty's hip-hop. Also observing the action was Rachel Vignaux, Adam & Eve's exec in charge of production, who told AVN, "It's very fun being here and it's very interesting; every time I come out to set, I learn a lot of new things. Like the chocolate thing. It's amazing how relaxed everyone is and how everyone gets along and has a good time." Adam & Eve will release Love Emergency in September, well in time for awards consideration, and as far as Rachel is concerned, it's a shoo-in. "I think the name Will Ryder stands alone in the ranks of this industry's top directors and scripters. Every movie he makes, he just elevates the art another step higher. We're really looking forward to marketing this to all his fans and to everyone who can appreciate the wonderful acting talents of Riley and Tommy; they've just been great!" —Mark Kernes Love Emergency, directed by Will Ryder and starring Tommy Pistol and Riley Steele, will be released by Adam & Eve Pictures in September.