Japanese Have Figured Out How to Create Electricity From Porn

TOKYO—For some reason, March 14 has recently taken on a significance that older generations probably can't fathom. Sure, it's exactly one month after Valentine's Day, but sometime around 2011, a few enterprising guys turned March 14 into a new holiday, Steak & Blowjob Day, which for some reason appears to be popular worldwide. But the Japanese have a different idea. For them, March 14 is "White Day," a "holiday" where guys are supposed to give their girlfriends presents much like the women gave to them on Valentine's Day. Trouble is, not every guy's girlfriend gave him a present, and believe it or not, some guys didn't even have girlfriends to get presents from. It's that latter category that caught the interest of Soft on Demand, one of Japan's major suppliers of online softcore porn, and it figured out a way to get those girlfriendless guys into the "holiday" spirit. Now, Soft on Demand is a company that manages to be pretty creative about how it serves its customers. For instance, it created a game show on its site featuring nude adult video actresses being tested on their knowledge of current events; created a series of videos featuring women studying nude men's penises up-close-and-personal; released a softcore movie whose plot is easily gleaned from the movie's title, All Naked Nursing Home for the Elderly; and also released, in May of 2006, a particularly interesting feature titled 500 Person Sex, which showed 250 couples having sex with each other atop neat rows of mattresses in a large auditorium. The reason 500 Person Sex is interesting is because a clip from that movie, along with dozens of other similar sexy clips, was discovered in June of 2008 by the Los Angeles Times on the secret softcore porn website kept by former California Supreme Court Chief Judge Alex Kozinski—who at that time was presiding over the obscenity trial of scat porn creator Ira Isaacs, and due to the notoriety of the Times' discovery, was forced to recuse himself from Isaacs' trial. This led a fierce legal battle over whether the recusal meant that an Isaacs retrial would be barred under the doctrine of double jeopardy. (It wasn't, and Isaacs was eventually convicted.) In any case, Soft on Demand's latest idea was to advertise on its website and elsewhere for "virgins"—men only; no women need apply—who would be enlisted to wear VR headsets and pedal stationary bikes mounted in a large van to generate electricity to power a display featuring a giant pink-and-white heart, illuminated by hundreds of tiny lightbulbs, in celebration of White Day. Now, the reason Soft on Demand was looking for virgins—though no virginity test was applied; they'd accept pretty much any guy—is because according to the company, male virgins supposedly are full of "spurting energy that has nowhere else to go," making them the ideal people to "vigorously pedal" and produce enough power to keep the heart glowing for the entire six hours it would be on display at the Dogenzaka Bicycle Parking Space in Tokyo’s Shibuya neighborhood. And why would these virgins be pedaling so vigorously? Because Soft on Demand will be supplying them with softcore VR porn featuring popular adult starlets Tina Nanami (above left) and Hinata Koizumi (above right). But this got us to thinking, there are one hell of a lot of people in the U.S.—men and women—who enjoy watching porn, and although the vast majority of them use it to jack- or jill-off, that activity only takes a few moments; those folks could use the rest of their porn-watching time in front of their TVs or computers or VR headsets to pedal their way to complete energy independence for this country! We're guessing that's a type of "green power" that even President Hush Payments could get behind!