Robert Kraft: The Trials & Tribulations of Multi-Billionaire-dom

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla.—We're guessing that there are approximately three people in the United States (give or take a couple of dozen) who are "shocked and awed" that Robert Kraft, owner of the six-time Super Bowl-winning New England Patriots, was caught last week patronizing a strip-mall massage parlor, the Orchards of Asia Day Spa, in which the police had secretly placed video cameras to record patrons paying to get laid or receive other "sex acts." Of course, one would think that a guy of Kraft's "stature" (read: big bucks; he's worth $6 billion) would have been able to find the equivalent of a "Hollywood Madam" or "DC Madam" to arrange for someone to satisfy his sexual urges, but of course, FOSTA has made that much more difficult—and Kraft wasn't the only guy caught in flagrante delicto; plenty other folks got popped as well. "The potential charges come amid a widespread crackdown on sex trafficking in Florida from Palm Beach to Orlando," noted ESPN. "Hundreds of arrest warrants have been issued in recent days as result of a six-month investigation, and more are expected. Ten spas have been closed, and several people charged with sex trafficking have been taken into custody. ... The individuals named as having solicited prostitutes could be facing either a first- or second-degree misdemeanor for each count. A second-degree charge carries up to a 60-day jail sentence and a $500 fine; a first-degree charge carries up to a year in jail and a $1,000 fine," though "Most people charged for the first time with soliciting a prostitute in Florida are allowed to enter a diversion program, said attorney David Weinstein, a former prosecutor." If found guilty of the lesser charges, Kraft could be required to perform 100 hours of community service and "pay to attend an educational program about the negative effects of prostitution and human trafficking." And Kraft was hardly alone. According to The Daily Beast's Atena Sherry, "Over 200 arrests have been made and at least 12 businesses shut down as the result of an eight-month-long investigation spanning across three counties on Florida’s Treasure Coast. ... Along with Kraft, criminal charges of soliciting prostitution have been brought against power-players John Childs, the founder of private equity firm J.W. Childs and Associates, as well as John Havens, former CFO of Citigroup." Enter the ultra-conservative Washington Times, which has decided that Kraft wasn't only a patron of the prostitutes at the spa; he was somehow responsible for the women working in the spa being "sex trafficked." "What I think most people think is prostitution is not a big deal, but most of the time we find that it is not a victimless crime," said former Major League Baseball general manager (and "devout Christian") Kevin Malone, whom the Washington Times describes as being "on a mission to save those enslaved in places like the massage parlor that allegedly serviced the rich, powerful NFL owner." Malone continued, "In a lot of these so-called massage parlors[,] a lot of the women are not there by choice. They are being forced and coerced—especially in this situation, those women were enslaved. This is human trafficking." Malone did finally admit, “He might not have known that—I don’t know what he knew—but it highlights the problem." Actually, it doesn't. If Kraft had no idea the women working at the spa were trafficked, as seems likely—it's not as if it were likely a topic of discussion as money was changing hands—then he was just another Joe (albeit a very rich one) paying to get laid. And except for unsubstantiated claims in the mainstream press, it's not even clear that the spa's women were trafficked. After all, the vast majority of "working girls" do what they do with full knowledge of what their profession requires, without anyone forcing them or tricking them into doing it. But the point is, Kraft's name is now all over the news, and since he's being charged with a sex crime, chances are very good that he will wind up paying some penalty—but fortunately for him, a couple of adult companies have stepped up to make his sex life a little bit easier. "In light of recent charges being brought against New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft for allegedly soliciting sex with a prostitute in Florida according to published reports, the award-winning WankzVR.com is now offering Mr. Kraft a free lifetime membership to help him legally solve all of his needs from the comfort of his own home," states a WankzVR press release. “It’s possible that Mr. Kraft is unaware of the major technological advancements that virtual reality headsets have brought to fans of adult entertainment in the last couple years,” said Bradley Phillips of WankzVR.com. “That’s why we are offering Mr. Kraft a free headset of his choice, and a lifetime membership to WankzVR, because in this day and age there really is no need for a man of his stature to be visiting illicit massage parlors or other illegal venues just to fulfill his sexual fantasies.” "Virtual Reality allows all WankzVR members to enjoy fully immersive VR content, and goes even further with well-known actresses and their costars performing as everything from superheroes to zombie slayers, along with an amazing list of other creative fetishes from nearly every known genre of hardcore adult entertainment. Those who'd like to see all the action—or, if they're Robert Kraft himself, pick up his free lifetime membership and state of the art headset—may visit WankzVR.com right now." Of course, if virtual reality doesn't do it for Kraft, he's got at least one alternative: "Legal brothel and sex resort Sheri’s Ranch, located outside Las Vegas, Nevada, is outraged over recent news that New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft is being charged with soliciting prostitution illegally at a spa in Florida, ruining the reputation of the Super Bowl champions," said a spokesperson for the brothel. "The brothel is determined to do its part to ensure that the reputation of the NFL is never again tainted by illegal prostitution and is offering 'prostitution training' to the owners of the National Football League." In a recent post on the brothel’s website, Jeremy Lemur, spokesperson for Sheri’s Ranch and former NFL employee and former NFL Diversity Council member, posted the following statement: "This morning, the owner of the New England Patriots, Robert Kraft, is being charged with soliciting prostitution illegally at a spa in Florida, where surveillance video caught him in flagrante delicto. To say that this is a black mark on the Super Bowl champions is an understatement. "This arrest brings to light something that the courtesans and staff of Sheri’s Ranch have known for quite some time: the professional sports world’s desire for prostitution is massive and virtually unquenchable. "There is a rich history of athletes and sports professionals getting busted with prostitutes—Warren Sapp immediately comes to mind for soliciting a pro during the 2015 Super Bowl—yet, for some reason, the vast majority of influential NFL figures still choose to satisfy their limitless desire for no-frills sex with an illegal hooker. "Thankfully, several informed athletes and sports professionals choose to do the right thing and enjoy their dalliances at legal Nevada brothels like Sheri’s Ranch, where a public figure’s privacy, reputation, and health are protected. "We’re all fans of the NFL here at Sheri’s Ranch and we understand the importance of maintaining the reputation of the owners, athletes, and support personnel working for the league. "In an attempt to prevent what happened to Robert Kraft from ever happening again, we have a proposition for the owners of the NFL. "The sex workers of Sheri’s Ranch are willing to offer consultation services and proper prostitution training, for a relatively small fee, to the owners of NFL franchises and all league employees. In these sessions the harlots will educate the sports world on the benefits of visiting a legal Nevada brothel, including but not limited to: "* No risk of catching an STD. Legal prostitutes are tested weekly for sexually transmitted diseases. No customer of Sheri’s Ranch has ever contracted an STD or HIV as a result of an encounter with one of our courtesans. "* You get to keep your job, marriage, reputation, legacy, etc. Legal brothels respect your privacy and are absolutely discreet. No Sheri’s customer has ever been outed or exposed as a patron or consumer of prostitution. "* We don’t photograph you and we don’t kiss-and-tell. Robert Kraft is in hot water because of surveillance footage that exposed him as a customer. We would never reveal video footage of our customers and we would never be asked to by law enforcement – because, since prostitution is legal at Sheri’s, none of our patrons are committing a crime. "Let’s take care of this problem before it truly does become an epidemic and ruins the reputation of another great NFL team. Contact Sheri’s Ranch and book prostitution training for your franchise today." Hmmm... wonder if Sherri's can arrange some "prostitution training" for the politicians and staff in Washington?