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October 13, 2016

New Ruler Allows Men to Stretch the Truth

LOS ANGELES – A new product made by a company with a serious-sounding name is nonetheless amusing.

The Original Dick RulerTM, manufactured by two guys cleverly calling their enterprise “American Scientific Measurement Corporation,” is a nine-inch-long wooden measuring stick marked as though it were 12 inches. That’s right, gentlemen: Now we can fudge the size of our endowment and have visual proof of our claims.

Anthony Weiner probably was the first man in line to purchase the product.

According to the manufacturer the ruler makes six inches look like eight, so the product makes a guy’s prized possession appear 30-percent longer — without the need of penis enlargement pills, penis pumps or implants.

“The Original Dick Ruler is the perfect conversation starter about dick size, and initial customer reviews are both promising and hilarious,” one of the company’s owners said.

Here’s an example review: “Definitely a quality product, but my dick still looks small.”

Sorry, dude. There are some things even gag gifts can’t fix.

“We know that sometimes you want a ruler you can hold next to something six inches long and make that thing look like it is eight inches long,” one of the partners said. (We keep attributing quotes in that manner because American Scientific Measurement’s founders are reclusive. We suspect they developed the product out of personal need and don’t want to “blow their cover.”)

It’s important to note the company’s founders also have balls: The Original Dick Ruler, which is marketed as “The World’s First Penis Enlarging Ruler,” isn’t. The Peter Meter, the Yard Dick, the Weenie Ruler, the Willy Measuring Stick and the Pecker Meter all predate the new product.

Wholesale and Distributor opportunities are available, with several options for packaging and retail display. contact MeasurementCorp@gmail.com for details.

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