Oh, Baby: Expert Sexpert Jaiya on Sex After Motherhood

This article originally ran in the May 2014 issue of AVN magazine. Click here to see the online digital edition. Motherhood was on our minds as we planned the May issue of AVN magazine. To celebrate the month of Mother’s Day, we tossed around ideas about childbirth and sexuality. Then we remembered Jaiya, one of the “Expert Sexperts” at California Exotic Novelties. Jaiya is well versed in this topic, having produced a video titled “Sensual Massage for Pregnancy” and become a mother herself using techniques for what she calls an “orgasmic birth.” We sent Jaiya some questions to help illuminate the changes in a woman’s body and sexuality as she transitions into motherhood.You’ve written about the changes in your own libido during each trimester of pregnancy. How much variance have you found in other women? Sexual desire during pregnancy can change like the wind. First-trimester women tend to see a dip in libido, especially if they have morning sickness or low energy. Second trimester, things will pick up. I have noticed that women who are pregnant with boys usually have a greater increase in libido; this may be due to extra testosterone running through their body. Third trimester there may be another dip as women adjust to their body getting bigger. While there may be desire, they may feel uncomfortable in their body. Regardless of whether you desire it or not, it is good to have the ability to stay connected with your partner. I see too many couples who shut sex off during pregnancy, which makes it much harder to recover after the baby is born—when there is a really big dip in libido due to hormones, exhaustion and what it takes to care for a new little one. Back in 2009, you produced a video on “orgasmic birth.” Have you developed new methods to help women make giving birth more sensual? These days I am really into genital mapping. The most important thing to do if you want to have an orgasmic birth is to get in touch with your own body. Most women have never felt their cervix, never mapped out their genitals and what feels really good to them. I recommend that before you give birth you learn tools that help you to get into your body and out of your head. I give women exercises to help them do three major things to prepare for childbirth: learn about their genital anatomy, get out of their head and into their body, and find great pleasure in their body. During labor and delivery these three things will help when combined with nipple, clitoral and even anal stimulation. I also work a lot with scar tissue—helping them to melt scars and adhesions that may prevent them from natural childbirth. Given that new mothers may need time to heal after giving birth, can you suggest ways that they might use toys to satisfy a partner? Usually doctors will give you a go-ahead about six weeks after you give birth; however, that does not mean that you will be ready for intercourse. While intercourse may be off the table, there are plenty of things that you can do to stay connected. My partner and I schedule one hour of “intimacy” time every week where we explore our connection. During this time, intercourse is not the goal. You can give him oral sex, he can give you a sensual massage, and you can use toys such as CalExotics’ Apollo Power Strokers to simulate intercourse. You could also explore something new such as prostate massage or using prostate toys like the Jopen Ego E4. The objective is to stay connected physically and emotionally after baby—this will build a solid foundation for your relationship, keeping it hot and juicy! Even once they’ve healed physically, some women still experience a loss of interest in sexual activity for many months after childbirth. What are some techniques to rev up a new mother’s libido? I always recommend that my clients have their hormones checked if they are having trouble with libido. Of course there will be a dip in libido due to breastfeeding. It is absolutely natural to lose desire, yet after a while many women need a little help getting back on track. I would even go as far to say that many times women are not depressed postpartum; they are actually experiencing a shift in hormones that are affecting mood, libido and energy levels. Have a doctor who understands female hormones test all of your sex hormones and cortisol levels to see if something is off. I did bio-identical hormones that were all natural. Now, I supplement with libido-boosting herbs and superfoods—like maca, for example, which is a hormonal adaptogen and helps with how testosterone works in the body. I would also say that even when you don’t feel like connecting with your partner it is important to spend time touching, cuddling and kissing. This will help to get your libido going. You don’t have to go all the way into intercourse. This is something I see over and over again with couples I work with: They take all connection off the table, which only keeps a woman in a low libido state. Instead, do things that boost hormones—like touch, kind gestures, sleeping naked together, and other sexual activities that keep you in an orgasmic state versus chasing a climax or penetration. Reading erotica and having sex on your brain is also beneficial. Put down the mommy books and pick up some good erotic novels.Pain during postpartum sex is not uncommon. But what are the signs that a new mother might need medical help? If there are any signs of pain, infection, tearing or bleeding after your six-week checkup you will want to see your doctor. I would also advise that if you are experiencing a pinching, pulling pain during sex that you see a specialist called a sexological bodyworker who does work with scar tissue. Many women have scar tissue and adhesions as a result of childbirth traumas (episiotomies, tears and c-section). I did a research project with sexological bodyworker Ellen Heed on the effects of scar tissue postpartum and ways to melt the scars and decrease pain. Even if you have a C-section you can still experience vaginal pain. We worked with one woman who had a C-section with twins, and she had had pain with penetration for three years. After three sessions of scar tissue massage she was pain free and remains pain free to this very day. We also surveyed over 1,000 women and found that many had gone to their doctors and been given numbing creams or told that there was nothing that could be done. I’m on a mission to let women know that they don’t have to deal with vaginal pain postpartum; there are solutions, which is why Ellen Heed and I created a program to help any mother. We discovered six solutions to help with “reclaiming sexual vitality postpartum”: Ending Painful Sex, Embracing Libido and Desire, Restoring Your Energy and Time, Getting Your Sexy Back, Reconnecting with Your Partner, and Having the Best Sex of Your Life. Much of the literature about sex after childbirth focuses on obstacles: vaginal pain, sore breasts, stretch marks, exhaustion. Are there any silver linings in terms of heightened or deepened sensuality?  Yes! I believe and have seen in my clinical research that any obstacle can turn into a pathway for optimal sexual health and pleasure. I went from a sex goddess to a freaked-out mom back to a sex goddess again. While I experienced all of the above, I am so grateful for all that these things taught me. If I had not had pain I would not have sought out solutions that led me to learn about scar tissue and how to help other women. I also saw in my research that some women become more orgasmic and are able to ejaculate much easier after having given birth. I have seen women’s G-spots and nipples awaken. I have seen them get more deeply in touch with their bodies and appreciative of all their bodies can do. As a culture we need more education about sexuality and motherhood. Becoming a mother is a huge rite of passage that can be a gateway into a deeper sexuality. If she is willing to learn and has access to information that can help her transform from maiden to sexy mom, anything is possible.Jaiya is an award-winning sexologist, author of Blow Each Other Away and an Expert Sexpert for California Exotic Novelties. She is the founder of RSVP—Reclaiming Sexual Vitality Postpartum and the educational company New World Sex Education. For more of Jaiya’s writings, go to ClubCalExotics.com and MissJaiya.com.