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July 03, 2017

Alia and Sovereign Do Los Angeles

LOS ANGELES—It was billed as "Alia & Sovereign Do America," but when the former and current adult stars took the stage last night at the Nerdmelt Comedy Club, located in the rear of Meltdown Comics at 7522 Sunset Boulevard, it was clear that each comedienne had plenty to say, and separate time blocks within which to say it. But though the adult personalities were top-billed, the show featured four "warm-up acts," including show host Tamer Kattan, as well as Chris Fairbanks from the Tig Notaro Show, Jason Rausch, and Jackie Kasi, who reportedly was previewing part of her act for an upcoming (July 12) Conan O'Brien Show. When Alia Janine finally took the stage, she was fresh from four recent West Coast appearances with Syre, and Kattan also noted that fans might recognize her from her Whoremones podcast and her appearance at the Cinder Block Comedy Festival in Brooklyn, New York in February. Janine first noted that she'd recently become "addicted" to watching MTV's Love & Hip-Hop thanks to a friend's recommendation, "and it's become a part of me right now ... and forever." After talking about her recent tour, and the fact that she "hasn't shit right for two weeks," which she attributed either to the tour itself or some drugs she had been taking, she asked, "Anyone here love drugs? Anyone on drugs right now?" The audience responded with applause, which appeared to inspire Janine to talk about her experiences with acid when she was 15, and took it before going to history class. "We had fun... because my teacher would put quotes on the board every day from famous people, and this one particular day that I decided to take acid, she wrote a quote on the board that I did not know who it was from but it was very beautiful. It goes, 'In the mind, sanity, insane and reality are the same,' or something like that, and I'm like, 'This is all I need to learn today; I"m done.' ... And I got it tattooed on my arm, and I realized it was lyrics to a Slayer song!" She also said that she'd written a paper on the effects of sugar and cocaine on the brain, which she wrote under the effects of both "drugs." She advised, "Just do your drugs, everybody, and you'll be just fine." "I have been drugged multiple times," she said, "and all those times, all those men have been very disappointed because apparently I have a super-high fuckin' tolerance and I'm just like, 'Thank you for the buzz!'" She described her name Alia as "really weird for a white lady," noting that she doesn't have "nearly as much baggage" as the black singer of the same name. But in an effort to trace the origins of her name, she said she'd gotten her DNA tested, which test turned out "super mixed, so your family gets to pick and choose which cultures they want to associate with." The show got a bit more political when Janine noted that she needs health insurance, and "I thought I could guilt my stepdad into paying for my insurance because he voted for Trump ... (pause) ... Nah, probably not so much..." She then began talking about her various beaus, and admitted, "another reason why I'm a super horrible dater is all the porn ... I actually don't watch porn; that's super fucking weird to me. It's 150 or so movies that I starred in, so I have a little extra baggage." "I don't look like a typical porn star; I look more like one of those teachers that was sexually assaulted by her students," she said. "I think it's the glasses." Janine said she got into porn via stripping, "which is the natural progression of things ... I love dancing and being naked; I recommend that to all of you." She also revealed that comedy doesn't pay nearly as well as porn. Sovereign Syre then took the stage, initially describing her dating profile as "adventurous" because she put on it, "I want you to choke me till I'm dead then fuck me back to life." Syre also told the audience that she had a rescue pitbull as a pet, asking, "How many of you have ever done that: make a long-term commitment on impulse because you felt guilty in the moment and then you find yourself in a relationship in which you're constantly hurting each other?" She mentioned that she'd been "single-handedly gentrifying" her neighborhood, which features a lot of "D-boys" who engage in "pharmaceutical sales," and noted that she expected to be "the first person on the scene of my rape." As for her appearance, Syre described herself as "potentially running from 20 pounds that no one else can say exists, and may not exist." Syre said she's currently in a relationship with "a black woman from Virginia that just left eight years in the military, moved 2,000 miles across the United States and is probably going through a divorce, and I was like, 'Humph, let's get matching tattoos and move in together 'cause we're fuckin' twins." Syre described their dynamic as "counterintuitive," since she (Syre) is something of a slob while her partner is OCD, "in the bathroom, Clorox bleach, crouched, going at it in a rhythmic, repetitive pace." After relating her problems dealing with a small rock of cocaine, which turned out not be be big enough for a fun weekend, "because you never have as much as you think you do," Syre began talking about her porn career, but quickly veered off into a story about how a cam company paid her a salary "to just literally sit on cam and I didn't have to do anything but drive traffic to the site. So I got to sit in front of the cam and just tell them 'No.' It was amazing." But the finale of her act was a long story about how, on election night, after she found out that her non-preferred candidate, Donald Trump, had won, "I went, 'You know what? I'm gonna go on cam and make me some fuckin' money!'" She described how she went on camera with a tear-stained face, in a "sports bra, and sweat pants with a hole in the crotch," when suddenly, a "boy camgirl" came into her room, who said he'd been jacking off to her in his own cam room, and wondered, "if I send those users into this room, have them give you a bunch of money, will you take off your top so I can see your tits?" The story progressed from there, with Syre eventually becoming "fully enmeshed" in the play, then also taking off her "bottoms" and finally coming into the boy camgirl's room to watch him masturbate—and earning "fifteen hundred dollars in under ten minutes." "So I go into his chatroom and all I can see is his penis in the frame," she described. "Now, I don't know if you've ever seen a sunset or a Gothic cathedral, an African desert—this was the sunset of dicks. It was perfect: size, shape, everything about this penis was perfect. I was dressing it up in like a tuxedo and making nice plans with it. It was amazing." Finally, she got to watch the guy suck his own dick, and found herself saying to herself, "You know what? I may not have the president that I want, but I definitely have the president that I deserve." Also enjoying the show this evening were former adult star Lisa Ann and current actress/VR expert Ela Darling, and all in all, it was a great show, and fans of good, sexy comedy will want to keep a lookout for "Alia & Sovereign Do America" when they play nearby. Pictured, l-r: Lisa Ann, Alia Janine and Sovereign Syre.

 
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