AFA Urges, 'Refuse Harvey Milk Stamped Letters'

TUPELO, MS—Apparently, most of the world's problems have been solved, which has allowed the American Family Association to turn its attention to a real-but-hitherto-unrevealed threat: A gay person's image on a postage stamp. And not just any gay person: San Francisco Board of Supervisors member Harvey Milk, who was assassinated, along with Mayor George Moscone, by former Supervisor Dan White, who infamously used an unusual tactic at his trial: the so-called "Twinkie defense," in which White's attorneys claimed that his actions were the result of depression brought on by having eaten too much sugary junk food. But the AFA gave its conservative, evangelically-minded readership the real skinny on the stamp. "The Harvey Milk stamp was a result of seven years of lobbying by a self-described drag queen (a biological man with implanted breasts) and former transsexual prostitute Nicole Murray Ramirez of San Diego," an AFA publicist wrote in an email blast. Though there appears to be no evidence that Ramirez has ever been a prostitute, transsexual or otherwise, she is somewhat controversial in San Diego, where she has styled herself as "Empress Nicole the Great" of the city's Hillcrest neighborhood, which boasts a large and active LGBT community. Ramirez has also served four terms as chair of the city's Human Relations Committee, and currently serves as a City Commissioner, among other civic activities. But that's neither here nor there, since AFA's main purpose in bringing up Ramirez's name was to try to tar Milk's excellent reputation by implication—and to insinuate that Milk's placement on a postage stamp is yet another example of the "homosexual agenda," as evidenced by the fact that, "Randy Shilts, a homosexual San Francisco Chronicle reporter, wrote a favorable and sordid biography of Milk in The Mayor of Castro Street: The Life and Times of Harvey Milk," wherein Shilts revealed that Milk had once taken a 16-year-old boy as his lover. Well, that, plus the AFA let slip that it was just the tiniest bit jealous that Milk got a stamp but none of AFA's religious icons did. "Note the hypocrisy of the postal service's 'Citizens' Stamp Advisory Committee,' which claims it 'commemorates positive contributions to American life, history, and culture,' but specifically states stamps 'shall not be issued to honor religious institutions or individuals whose principal achievements are associated with religious undertakings or beliefs'," the AFA publicist wrote, apparently unaware that even quasi-public institutions like the Postal Service are bound by the First Amendment's prohibition against favoring ("establishing") one religion (or its leaders) over another. "Unfortunately, the deed is done," the AFA moaned. "The United States Postal Service honored a child predator at the whim of a drag queen... Furthermore, the radical homosexual lobby will undoubtedly encourage businesses to use these stamps—all in the name of inclusiveness, political correctness and diversity. This is not diversity; this is perversity." And hey, if anyone knows perversity, it's gotta be the AFA! But fortunately, AFA has a plan! "What you can do…," the AFA website prescribes: "1. Refuse to accept the Harvey Milk stamp if offered by your local post office. Instead, ask for a stamp of the United States flag. "2. Refuse to accept mail at your home or business if it is postmarked with the Harvey Milk stamp. Simply write 'Return to Sender' on the envelope and tell your postman you won't accept it." Right on! That'll show 'em! And as your paychecks and tax refunds work their way to the Postal Service's dead letter office, and the debt collectors show up, looking for payment on those overdue car loans, mortgages, gas bills, water bills and the like, you can tell 'em, "Just speak to the Rev. Don Wildmon at the American Family Association; he'll straighten it all out!" Yeah, that'll work! (And shouldn't they be happy they don't live in Finland!) Pictured with the stamp: Nicole Murray Ramirez.