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May 03, 2014

Jonah Falcon to be Parted Out to 'Penis Museum' After He Dies

HUSAVIC, Iceland—It was meant to be, even if it took a while to realize it, but The Icelandic Phallological Museum, aka The Penis Museum, has finally issued an invitation to Jonah Falcon to have his one-of-a-kind penis—reportedly the largest in the world—placed on permanent posthumous display. As explained on its website, "The Icelandic Phallological Museum contains a collection of more than two hundred and fifteen penises and penile parts belonging to almost all the land and sea mammals that can be found in Iceland. Visitors to the museum will encounter fifty six specimens belonging to seventeen different kinds of whale, one specimen taken from a rogue polar bear, thirty-six specimens belonging to seven different kinds of seal and walrus, and one hundred and fifteen specimens originating from twenty different kinds of land mammal: all in all, a total of two hundred and nine specimens belonging to forty six different kinds of mammal, including specimens from Homo Sapiens. It should be noted that the museum has also been fortunate enough to receive legally-certified gift tokens for four specimens belonging to Homo Sapiens." All of this was contained in the 2012 documentary, The Final Member, which documented the search by the museum's now 73-year-old founder and curator Sigurður “Siggi” Hjartarson for a human specimen. According to its synopsis, the movie "follows the curator's incredible, sublimely comic, often shocking quest to complete his eccentric collection, and the two intrepid men who have raised their hands to be the first human donor." At the beginning of the documentary, Hjartarson had obviously not yet procured a human, or Homo Sapien, phallus to mount (so to speak). But the film actually ends with the "installation" of the first male penis, which had belonged to 95-year-old Pall Arason, who passed away in 2011. As reported by the Daily Beast, Arason was "the first man to organize tours to the Icelandic highlands, as well as a renowned womanizer who loved bragging about his 'outstanding sexual performances.'" The other contender featured in the film is a thrice-divorced Californian named Tom Mitchell, who named his member Elmo, had its tip tattooed with the stars and stripes, and, if you can believe it, "planned to have Elmo surgically removed, flown to Iceland, displayed in a special case he designed himself, then returned to his home during the museum’s off-season. But losing his chance to be the museum’s first human member hasn’t stopped him from pursuing a comic book deal in which his schlong stars as a flying, caped superhero." Once Arason's penis had been safely installed in the museum, one would have thought the pressure was off and the matter settled, but it seems Hjartarson was not exactly satisfied with the specimen, explaining afterwards, "His organ had shrunk quite a bit. Unfortunately, the process of preservation wasn’t successful at all.” The question therefore seemed to be how to find a penis that could avoid excess shrinkage after being detached from its hopefully very aged owner. The answer now seems obvious. Find one that is likely to remain robust even after the shrivel. Still, current contenders appear far from death. Mitchell, with his reportedly 7-inch tatted member, is referred to as middle-aged but his exact age is not given. Falcon is currently 43-years-old, presumably with a lot of miles to go before he departs this mortal coil, but his penis is reported to be 13.5 inches long, and therefore presumably less susceptible to disappearance after death (though we really don't know much about the subject.) Falcon was pleased if slightly tongue-in-cheek in his reaction to the singular invitation, which he accepted in a letter sent to Hjartarson via HuffPo Weird News. "I am flattered by the invitation," he wrote. "I appreciate your museum's devotion to science, and it would be an honor to have my manhood put on display, hopefully nestled between the sexual appendages of a sperm whale and a polar bear ... I hope I don't make either of those creatures jealous. May I suggest you call the exhibit, 'Jonah and the Whale'." Image: Our obligatory stand-in for a real penis.

 
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