Monarchy Not About To Let Duke Basketball Suffer, Offers Consolation Gift Basket

LOS ANGELES—As fans of March Madness—and particularly members of the Duke University basketball team—mourned the team’s loss Friday and the busting of brackets everywhere, Monarchy Distribution owner Mike Kulich decided he wasn’t about to let the Blue Devils be two-time losers. "We are concerned about Duke's basketball team," Kulich said. "The guys are heading home so early in the tournament and having to watch other teams steal their glory is difficult, but what's even more upsetting is since they lost they won't be getting Belle Knox's new pocket pussy!" Knox, who was outed a few weeks ago as the Duke University porn star, had offered her pocket pussy, which is being created by mega-manufacturer Doc Johnson, to the players if they won the entire tournament. To lessen the blow of losing and not getting their own Belle Knox strokers, Kulich has offered every member of the Blue Devil's a consolation prize. Every team member from Coach K and the starting five down to the waterboy will receive a gift basket including 25 brand new DVDs, a six-month supply of lube, and, yes, a pocket pussy. "We love March Madness and we didn't want to see the boys leave the tournament empty handed. It is the least we could do for the Blue Devils," Kulich said.