Sheri's Ranch Brothel Releases Celebrity Wish List

PAHRUMP, Nevada—Sheri’s Ranch, the legal brothel and sex resort located just outside of Las Vegas, has released a celebrity wish list of actors, musicians and public figures who have not yet been serviced by licensed prostitutes at the bordello. In order to create the list, each of the Ranch's prostitutes was asked to chose the celebrity or celebrities they’d like to get down and dirty with, and why. The complete list and all of the saucy details is posted on the brothel’s official blog, and includes more than a few obvious sex symbols, like Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp and Channing Tatum, but also the unexpected choice of historian Simon Schama. “Simon Schama may appear to be a slightly shlubby, older Englishman,” said Tatyana, a legal courtesan at Sheri’s Ranch, “but when he opens his mouth he is hotter than Bradley Cooper.” Barack and Michelle Obama and Prince Harry were the only political figures to make the brothel’s list. Allissa, another prostitute at the bordello, imagines a threesome with the President and first lady captured by White House security cameras. “It is just the three of us alone with the Secret Service agents outside," she fantasized. "Security is important so cameras are hidden everywhere and one happens to be positioned under my desk. Always curious what it would be like to be intimate with someone with so much power, I start touching myself in hopes of them catching me on camera." Ironically, the only news celebrity to make the list was CNN's openly gay anchor, Anderson Cooper. “He is so well rounded, and well versed, and is incredibly accomplished," said Amber Lynn, another prostitute. "It is such a turn-on when a man possesses so many amazing attributes, including a sincere passion for helping the underprivileged, and is a widely respected person." With regard to his sexuality, Lynn suggested that her skills might influence his proclivities. “I have a few tricks up my sleeve that may change his mind.” Miraculously, this also appears to be the only list that the ubiquitous Jennifer Lawrence did not make.