Breaking News: German Guy Says Porn is a Global Phenomenon

BERLIN—We would use the old line "Stop the Presses!" but it's too late. Media outlets around the world have already noted the astonishing revelation from a German doctor whose announcement that porn is now a global phenomenon has shaken our understanding of the world to its core. We never saw it coming. Indeed, for those of us who still toil in Los Angeles, the news has hit like a thunderbolt. Unaware that we have been living in an adult entertainment bubble of our own making, the disclosure that people around the globe are now accessing porn has turned our world upside down, and inside out. The doctor, Christoph Ahlers, who runs a Berlin clinic that "advises couples on sexual issues," according to the Austrian Independent, announced his findings at a recent congress "examining medicine and therapies for sexual issues in Salzburg." News reports are vague as to the reaction in the room when Ahlers broke the news, but we imagine it was akin to that which greeted other equally historic public announcements, such as when Albert Einstein stunned the world in 1905 with the release of his revolutionary theory of relativity, which remained controversial for many years after it was first postulated. Likewise, Ahlers' thus far non-peer-reviewed claim that 60 million people look at porn daily and that "two thirds of the visits are made by people at work," is likely to suffer a similar fate, at least until more research into the theory can be done. But Ahlers was not content to simply introduce one earth-shattering notion that flies in the face of our understanding regarding the human porn experience. The heretofore unknown expert in the field of global pornography phenomena threw scientific caution to the wind by expostulating on a new theorem on the evolution of erotic epistemology, a field of study that really did not exist before today. "Modern viewing of porn is no longer something in which strange individuals are engaged in quiet rooms at video booths," said the German doctor, bravely sharing a term ("quiet rooms") that Mitt Romney made famous during his failed run for the U.S. presidency. "It is now a worldwide phenomenon. Sixty million views of which two thirds are people sitting at their computer at work is a powerful indicator of what is happening. The second peak is from viewers at home after midnight." Whoa! Where did that come from? After midnight? When the wife and kids are asleep? This window into the deepest recesses of the "soul of man" opens up whole vistas of future research, and augurs a coming light for a world that would still be living in a sexual dark ages were it not for Dr. Ahlers.   Photo: A deservedly intense Dr. Cristoph Ahlers